Want marriage counseling, but not sure how to talk to your partner? You're in the right place.
Which best describes you?
94% of couples that do Lasting together report new relationship strengths.
If you think your partner would be open to Lasting, here are some tips.
1. Start with the basics. 👩🌾
Before diving into any justifications or explanations, make sure you've actually asked them in a positive, straightforward way. Your partner loves you. Let them know that you love them and mention that it would mean a lot to you if they downloaded it so you could get to know each other a little better. Here are some tips on how to do that:
Tell them what Lasting is and why you like it.
Put it into your own words, but just to give you something to start with, we like to describe Lasting as a tool. You’ve got a hammer for when you need to hang a picture and utensils for when you’re eating a meal. Lasting is a tool you use when you and your spouse want to smile more 😋 together.
It's got 15 series, each of which has sessions including audio tracks, reflection questions, and a way to share and compare your answers to the deep questions of life.
Show them Lasting. Like, physically.
Open the app and show them a screen. It’s tougher to agree to something that you have no real frame of reference for; they'll probably feel more comfortable if they see it. The series tab could work well for this because it shows you all of the topics Lasting covers.
(You could also show them a particular reflection question that you found interesting. For example, the Family Culture series has you craft a family mission statement, which is really interesting and fun.)
Be prepared 🏕 ahead of time by knowing what you’re going to say.
Write out an initial statement to yourself. For example, start with something like this: “I joined Lasting because I think we’ve started to feel less unified as a couple, and that hurts.” Once you’ve got the blunt reason, you can soften 🍦 your startup: “I downloaded this marriage app called Lasting, and it’s actually been really fun. They ask a lot of helpful questions and give you plenty of info that helps you clarify your goals as a couple. I’ve been feeling really good since I joined, and I’d really like to do it with you!”
Alternatively, here’s a Mad Libs-style text to get yourself ready:
Hey PET NAME, I have a question for you. I’ve been feeling ADJECTIVE recently because we haven’t been VERB very much. I’ve been using this app called Lasting, and it’s pretty ADJECTIVE. It’s actually designed for both of us, and I think it would be ADJECTIVE to do it together! What do you say?
2. Give them a vision of the future.
The more context you can give, the better. Asking your partner to join a marriage counseling app sounds heavy and a little confusing. Your partner will probably have a lot of questions, such as: What does it consist of? Do we work through it at the same time? How exactly would we do this?
You can get ahead of this quagmire with a little planning. For example, since you don’t have to be in the same room as your partner, it frees you up take the sessions whenever you have a few minutes ⏱ (they’re only 5 minutes long on average) and then to discuss them later. So, when you ask them to join, you could mention that you can work through the sessions individually over breakfast, on the toilet, in the evening instead of watching TV, on your morning or evening commute (if you don’t drive, that is). Then, you could establish a routine where you discuss your results over dinner each Wednesday. All of this specificity helps your partner visualize the two of you doing it.
Let's say you've tried all of this, and your partner still hasn't joined, or just isn't actually using it. Now what?
If you think your partner will resist, here are some tips.
Sometimes partners resist, or even refuse, to join Lasting or do any type of counseling. Some common objections are:
- “We just don’t need that. Our marriage isn’t that bad.”
- “It’s too expensive 💰 and time consuming.”
- "Counseling never works."
Here's how to respond:
1. Keep it light and clear.
Those objections are important to address (and we do so below), but oftentimes your partner is simply hiding their real objections under convenient excuses. In truth, a resistant partner is probably processing a variety of significant feelings during this conversation:
- Your partner thinks you’re saying you have a bad marriage and that you’re blaming them for it (even though you're not)
- They’re afraid. 😳 They're scared of your (and their own) emotions, as well as what might happen if you move forward with any type of marriage counseling and don’t find any answers
- They’re deeply confused about why you feel the need to do it
You need to make it clear 🔆 that you aren’t using Lasting or asking them to join because you regret marrying them, have a bad marriage, and especially not because you’re blaming them for anything.
If they respond harshly to your question, you could, for example, just tell them straight out: "I love you, and we don't have a bad marriage. I'm not blaming you for anything. I just want to keep growing closer, and I think this could be a great way to do that."
If they feel blamed, even if they use the app, it’s not going to go well. Both partners need to feel like they're on equal footing. 🐾 They’re not a bad spouse, and this isn’t about fixing them or rescuing a failed marriage. It’s far more positive than that.
It’s about increasing happiness—for both of you. It’s about personal growth. It’s about learning more about each other. It’s about solidifying values and goals. You might be in a tough spot in your marriage, but Lasting doesn't help you assign blame. We’re here to strengthen 💪 your love.
Alright, onto number two.
2. Talk numbers.
While claiming that the app is too expensive 💸 can certainly be an excuse, it still bears consideration. Lasting is $11.99/month, which adds up to $143.88/year. (and it's only $79.99 with the annual subscription). While at first look, spending $12/month on an app sounds high, ask your partner to think about it in these terms: Couples counseling sessions cost around $100-$200/hour. And remember, that’s for one session. Typically, a counselor will want to see you many more times that than—and most insurance companies don’t cover couples counseling.
In other words, having Lasting, an app based on decades of 🔬 research, for a full year costs less than a few hours of your time sitting in the same room with a counselor, and far less than you're likely to spend using traditional counseling services. And, you get to do Lasting at your convenience. You don’t even have to be in the same room with your partner (though it’s more fun if you are!).
3. Be specific.
When you ask a sensitive partner to join a marriage app, details will help calm feelings of blame and outrage.
For example, how did you hear about Lasting? From The Knot? From a friend? Just searching around on the Internet for something fun to do? Telling them you downloaded Lasting because you saw us featured in the App Store 👩💻 goes a long way toward reassuring your partner that you aren’t asking them because you’re upset with them because it implies that Lasting is something fun you stumbled upon, rather than something you sought out.
Also, maybe you found something specific in the app that was a lot of fun to do. For example, did you like the idea of setting aside time ⏰ to vent to each other about your day? Maybe our reflection questions have helped you learn more about yourself, and you’d like to learn more about your partner, too. There’s nothing that encourages a new habit like enjoying it!
4. Practically speaking.
If your partner has the app, but isn’t using it, resist the urge to express frustration. Even if that gets a curmudgeonly partner to use the app, it’s just not a recipe for success. They’ll be using it just to make you happy, which means they aren’t really learning much. That’s not lasting change, which is what we’re after. Lasting change takes time. Be patient. 🧘♀️
We’ll leave you with this final thought…
What do you do if your partner just flat out refuses to use Lasting, no matter what you say or do? 🤷♂️
First of all, our hearts go out to you. That's painful. But hope is not lost.
Working on your marriage is still an extremely valuable thing to do, even on your own. Plenty of Lasting users go through the app solo. When one partner grows, it will inevitably help the other one to grow. 🌲 For example, you may have come to Lasting because you feel a little uncomfortable with how things are going in your marriage. Maybe the honeymoon phase is basically over? One thing you could do in order to recover some of that feeling is stepping up your appreciation game. Even if your partner isn’t reciprocating, maybe shoot them a quick text while you’re at work, thanking them for something: making dinner, taking care of the finances, caring for your children, walking the 🐶 dog… it could be anything.
Eventually, if one partner behaves like a loving, caring spouse, it softens even the hardest hearts.
And feel free to talk to us directly.
If you want some personal tips from our team, don't hesitate to reach out to email@example.com. We'll try to help as best we can.